Using the backwards law in every day life
I briefly touched on the backwards law when I shared the story about the father of Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha), which I’ll quickly recap.
In that story, the father was told by a sage that his son would be a great king or a holy man. Wanting his son to be a great king, he ensured his son lived a luxurious life, so that he wanted for nothing except the kingdom.
But the king got the opposite result. Siddhartha opted to leave his luxurious life behind after witnessing the three main kinds of suffering in the world (illness, poverty and death), which shocked him to his core. He wanted to see if there was anyway he could end suffering. After speaking with the sages on his path, he decided to meditate until he found the solution. He meditated for years until he discovered that pain was inevitable, but the suffering associated with pain (or discomfort) is optional. This was Siddhartha’s enlightenment – and he became known as the Buddha.
This, to me, is the crux of the backwards law. We should learn to embrace pain instead of avoiding it. A lot of what I read about the backwards law is a little wishy-washy, emphasising that you get what you want without trying.
While there’s some truth to this, in my opinion, that’s not what the backwards law is all about. It’s about wanting discomfort instead of avoiding it - that’s the key to personal growth.
In this post, I share how I use the backwards law in different aspects of my life.
What is the backwards law?
Before I get into how I use the backwards law, let me explain what it is.
In my opinion, the backwards law is where the more you try to avoid any kind of discomfort or pain, you’ll end up worse off. But if you embrace the discomfort or pain, then you’ll find that it improves your resilience and character.
When it comes to dealing with insecurities, philosopher Alan Watts summed it up best:
“When you try to stay on the surface of the water, you sink; but when you try to sink, you float’ and that ‘insecurity is the result of trying to be secure.”
Alan Watts, The Wisdom of Insecurity
And to add, Mark Manson shared a similar view:
“Wanting positive experience is a negative experience; accepting negative experience is a positive experience.”
Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
We can’t truly appreciate pleasure without pain. And we can’t truly know the feeling of being secure without feeling insecure.
The origins of the backwards law come directly from the Tao Te Ching and Zen Buddhism. And thanks to both Watts and Manson, the idea behind the backwards law was spread throughout the West.
So now that we know what the backwards law is, let’s take a look at how I use it in my own life.
Creativity
As a copywriter, I have to come up with creative ideas or new ways to say the same thing multiple times.
What I have noticed is that when I force myself to be creative, I end up with an empty Word document and a flashing cursor.
In this type of situation, I simply focus on my breath. I breathe deeply into my abdomen and continue to do so until my mind is completely focused on my breathing. During this process, feelings of anxiety may arise, and when they do, I just acknowledge them. This helps me to relax and let go of the outcome of achieving the perfect draft. Once I am in this state, I just type and let the words flow onto the keyboard.
And while this does work from time to time, I want you to aware of one thing:
It’s okay to feel uncomfortable when trying to be creative.
As a matter of fact, I always feel vulnerable when it comes to doing creative work. My work is going to be judged one way or another.
And so, for me, I’ve learned to accept the feeling of discomfort when tackling creative projects.
Relationships
Before meeting my wife, I was hopeless at dating. And that’s not because I l wasn’t making the effort; I was.
I dressed well, learned ‘game’ and was active on online dating platforms. I also worked on myself and developed myself.
This eagerness to get a relationship led me to numerous dates. But I wasn’t able to go beyond that. I sometimes got a second or third date, but it didn’t lead to anything serious, which is what I wanted.
What I realised is that my eagerness manifested into desperation. And this is not an attractive trait. So, I decided I should just let go of the outcome and embrace whatever happens.
It was uncomfortable at first because I wanted to find someone to settle down with. I had to confront a lot of uncertainty, but I had to trust myself that this was the way. This was hard for me as I had been single for too long.
By chance, my mum introduced me to my then future-wife. My wife is from India and I’m from the UK. I didn’t know how it was going to work. But then I remembered that I should just go with the flow and embrace whatever happens.
So, I began messaging her without any expectations of the end result (the serious relationship I wanted). And without me realising, something began to blossom. And then, after 11 months of talking to each other, I decided to fly over and meet her. And on that same trip, I proposed to her.
What I did differently was embrace my doubts about how a long-distance relationship would work. I accepted all the uncomfortable feelings without resisting and then I let them go.
I felt anxiety booking the flight to India, but I also felt this was right. I learned that I couldn’t experience love without fearing rejection.
Martial Arts and Fitness
For over two years, I have been learning Wing Chun, which is a form of Chinese Kung Fu. A big part of Wing Chun is training yourself to be relaxed as you practice the techniques.
When relaxed, you’ll be able to sense your opponent’s movements easily – of course, this takes a lot of practice.
But here’s the caveat: when someone is trying to attack, your body automatically goes into fight or flight mode, and you become rigid. And you’ll be taken advantage of.
As Bruce Lee says, you need to be like water. What this means is that rather than anticipating what’s going to happen to you when you face an opponent, you relax and respond to their attacks. That way, you’re losing less energy and won’t be as anxious.
The worst thing that’s going to happen is you get hit. When training, this is important to keep in mind. As you practice in a relaxed manner and trust the technique, what you learn becomes second nature.
Besides Wing Chun, I also run before going to work on weekdays. I start work early (7.30am) to enjoy an early finish. But due to my cholesterol levels, I need to go for a run to maintain good health.
Going for a run before work is the best time. It’s impossible for me to go running after work because my two-year-old demands my attention. I’ve already organised my time for my weekly martial arts class on a weeknight. So, spending another weeknight away from her is not an option.
Given that I start work early, I have to wake up at 4.45am to squeeze in a 20-minute run on my treadmill. This was hard at first, but instead of motivating myself to wake up, I accepted the resistance to stay in bed and got up anyway. Most days, I don’t feel like running, but I have to for my health.
Failures
I’ve failed a lot in my life. I’ve failed at school, at university, in relationships, in sports and in business.
I was ashamed of my failures. And I craved success. Every time I tried to get what I wanted, I ended up feeling dejected because I couldn’t get it.
My shame soon turned into avoidance. I discouraged myself from taking action. But then, after much thought, I realised I had to change my relationship with failure. I had to embrace failure, to the point where I wanted to chase it.
I learned that in order to succeed, I had to be willing to fail. Former NBA basketball player, Michael Jordan, said it best:
“I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
Michael Jordan
Get used to the discomfort
The road to getting what you want out of life is not a smooth journey. It’s a bumpy ride.
Taking short journeys won’t get you there faster either. It will lead you astray. Instead, accept the path you’re on. That’s the life you’re destined to live.
Your path will be full of obstacles. But don’t let these blockers deter you. They’re there to help you grow